Day 44: It's My Party I Can Cry If I Want To

       This is a post I knew I would have to write and as the time keeps creeping closer and closer my stomach tightens, my heart races, and my breath quickens. Today, August 22, 2011, is my older brother's 21st birthday. There are many reasons I have anxiety about this particular day. First of all, the fact that tonight would be an all day, on going celebration of happiness, craziness, and of course, drunkenness. But instead, I sit by my apartment window, stare out to his old porch where all of his best friends still live, and think about how badly I know he wishes he could be here than getting better in Florida. And that what scares me the most. I am not convinced my brother wants to fully heal or is willing to hold on to sobriety. You see, the last time I saw my brother he told me he would do everything in his power to help our family recover, that he would write to me and fix our dysfunctional to the point of non-exsistant relationship. Not only did he not even bother to wish me or my sister a happy birthday that were both in June, he hasn't bothered to reach out to us at all. But instead he has contacted his friends, who I don't think could ever know how much he has hurt me, and told them how 'well' he is doing but how he misses 'home'. If relapsing, getting fired from the two jobs that took him three months to get, and getting kicked out of the rehab that my parents spent thousands of dollars on 'well'? Then Disney World is hell on earth.
         A couple of days before I left for school my mom asked me if I wanted to sign his birthday card. I want him to know that I wish him the best, that I want him to want help, that I hope he finds happiness where ever he is. But it kills me that, from his actions (or should I say, lack of), that he has none of the same interests for me. It hurts more than any other rejection I have ever dealt with. I know I should forgive him, be the bigger person, and keep on loving him regardless of how he has treated me in the past. But I can't let go of the sting I feel when people tell me how great he is and how they miss him or  sadness that takes over when I think of him.  I try to think that I might be better off without hoping one day he'll write. So I didn't sign the card.

     
  Well, here is to letting some tears out, trying to make peace with the past, and hoping to move forward.

God grant me the serenity 
to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.




Happy Birthday P.

-M.