Day 1

         Let me just start by saying I have stuck up my two middle fingers to both of my parents in the most offensive way possible.  And I hate myself for it. My parents trusted me to stay home alone from Tuesday to Friday, since I had to go to work, while they vacationed in Avalon, New Jersey. However, I am a 19 year-old irresponsible, asshole who threw parties at the house while they were gone. I wasn’t even considerate enough to clean up one of the Hurricane 40s and a bottle of Budlight that was enjoyed by my friends or perhaps myself in their absence.

            Some would think, it’s the parents fault for thinking I wouldn’t take advantage of such an awesome opportunity. Others might think, and I would absolutely agree on so many other levels, that I am just an idiot who should learn how to clean up after myself. But there is a tiny piece of the puzzle, which I have conveniently left out until now, that is in fact is the biggest part of this entire predicament I have put myself in: My older brother (who I will refer to as 'P') has currently been residing in a rehabilitation facility for alcoholism for the past 7 months.

            Now, it is safe to say that, yes, I am the worst daughter that anyone could ask for. I mean, who throws a banger when the parents are away, when it was probably the first time that they put full faith and trust in you ever since you drunkenly fell, chipped your tooth and they threatened to take you out of school (that is a story for another time and place). Oh  riiiiiight, that would be me.  Well, since I have done nothing but throw another party, this one was purely for self-pity purposes, for the last 24 hours - I will try to stay away from the self hatred comments. As of last night, in my fit of tears and sense of worthlessness, I logged on my computer and deactivated my facebook and deleted my twitter. Why? I honestly couldn’t really give you a straight answer. I have always secretly admired anyone who has said, “Yes, its true. I don’t have a facebook. And yes, I know I live in the 21^st century.” But on a serious note, my father told me, with tear filled eyes that stung with disappointment, that if I can’t hang out with my friends without drinking, then I should find new friends. I knew he didn’t really mean this, he knows my friends are good people and that this was on me. However, I guess I just thought if I was constantly seeing pictures and hearing about people’s plans for the weekends I would fall in the same pattern as before when my parents were disappointed in me.  First comes guilt of what I have done, then resentment for my brother, anger for my parents, and finally figure out how to get beer for the concert this weekend.  Maybe I deleted facebook and twitter just because I didn’t want to hear from anyone who was at the party that I got caught, or maybe I am just embarrassed of being me. No matter how deep I want to look into it, I plan on keeping it this way for quite sometime. Another thing that I plan on quitting, and the real reason why I decided to start this blog, is alcohol. For at least 90 days. 

            When I visited my brother in Florida, the family therapist made me promise her that I wouldn’t smoke or drink for 90 days. The day I got home from the trip to see my brother, I drank at my friends house. I think it was my personal ‘fuck you’ to the entire experience I had in Florida, which I will maybe tell later. The fact is that I actually had every intention of keeping the promise to prove to myself that I am nothing like my brother. Instead, the instant I got home, the promise meant nothing and I tried to tell myself that I’ll prove that I am not like P because I can control myself, be responsible, AND drink at the same time. However, throwing a party at my house was exactly what he would do. In fact, the first can of Natral Light that I ever drank was when P threw a party on St. Patricks Day my freshman year of high school when my parents were away in Arizona. 

            After erasing myself from all social networks, I researched local times and places for Alateen meeting. Alateen or Alanon are programs for family members and friends who deal with an alcoholic in their lives. I scribbled down three addresses on a piece of scrap paper and wrote at the bottom, “I know I have disappointed you both and there is not much more I can say about it. I will attend these meetings next week. I am sorry.” I slipped it under their door and watched movies until 4 in the morning, stayed in bed sulking until 6 pm. It wasn't until they left for dinner and I snuck downstairs to heat up left over chicken fingers and dunk about 15 entiment cookies into a huge class of milk then retreat to my couch to watch The Twilight Saga that was being played on Starz. Sounds a little dramatic, I know, but today it was the only thing I could bring myself to do. One thing that really got me down is that I feel as if everyone else thinks that its not a big deal I got caught and that it’ll blow over soon. Because I told the truth, my parents can’t be mad at me. In fact, that have every right to take me by the throat and strangle me. Everything we as a family has gold through over the past 11 months, but especially what my parents have had to deal with, I am the most selfish and disrespectful person I know (eh, sorry for the self loathing comments again, I swear I am not usually this emo). This is why I think 90 days without drinking starting today Sunday July 10, 2011. If I counted correctly, that means that I will not drink until October 7 (the day little brother 'J' turns 17). This means I will either not take part of or be sober for Arts Fest, Syllabus week, Football tailgates, Club field hockey parties, day-longs, and every Thursday-Sunday activity at Penn State. Not to mention the rest of this summer, any concerts, birthdays and Labor Day. The more I think about it, the more it really sucks but I really need to do this for myself and to ensure that I keep motivated, I decided to write about it in here!

            I thought that I could journal about how these 90 days turn out for me, while also writing about things I love to do. I will talk about my hobbies, favorite things, past experiences, my struggles, and strengths, and anything else that comes to mind. Wish me luck!