Day 18: "They tried to make me go to rehab.."

        I was scrolling through "Popular" photos rated on my photography app 'Instagram' when I saw a picture of Amy Winehouse which said 'RIP'. That night, the first song I put on at Karaoke was her most famous song 'Rehab'. I wasn't surprised, nor even remotely affected by her death. It was not until I read an article that Russell Brand wrote that it really sunk in for me. To read the entire article click here.

"When you love someone who suffers from the disease of addiction you await the phone call. There will be a phone call. The sincere hope is that the call will be from the addict themselves, telling you they’ve had enough, that they’re ready to stop, ready to try something new. Of course though, you fear the other call, the sad nocturnal chime from a friend or relative telling you it’s too late, she’s gone."

       All of a sudden I started hysterically crying. I have had so many reoccurring nightmares about that phone call. All I can think of sometimes is receiving a call from my mom and her telling me that P. has either died of alcohol poisoning or suicide. It is a real fear I have. I am scared I will never see my brother again, that I will have so many unanswered questions, and never have the chance to reconstruct our relationship.

"All we can do is adapt the way we view this condition, not as a crime or a romantic affectation but as a disease that will kill. We need to review the way society treats addicts, not as criminals but as sick people in need of care." 

    This is a view about addiction that I was taught the first time I visited P; addicts are not bad people looking for a way to be better, they are ill seeking help healing. I know P. is sick and that he is getting the care he needs but I still have some pent up anger.  I hope the next few months of sobriety and this exploration of my life will bring me the strength to forgive him and the peace I so desperately desire.

RIP Amy

-M.